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  • 09:09:59: Happy that Deb's coming home today. Evenings have been lame.
  • 12:02:35: Thank you, veterans! #veteransday

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Foreget about us
I can't
Forget about us
I can't
Forget about us
what we used to be
forget about us
you hurted me
forget about us
sux I was fine in line
forget about us
thought you were mine
Forget about us
my remedy
forget about us
don't look away

Chorus:

I'm cursed and your crying
(so why you crying)
from denying everything
(your crying)
we are all for trying
(your lying)
I 'am....

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3 tracks down with the new project. I'll post the myspace page which is just to house the demos......totally darker project then I'm used to doing before. All is good, the stage show is going to be interesting. Think a 3 ring circus......like Jim rose....
This is getting good.
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Till Death Do Us Part

I posted the rest of my photos from last weekend's shoot on me blog. Check it out!

"I can't leave you till you're dead
You mean till Death Do Us Part?
I mean like cyanide, strangulation or an axe to your head"
~ Space / The Ballad of Tom Jones
Current Mood:
amused amused
Current Music:
Space / The Ballad of Tom Jones
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savings is almost gone. James has worked 1.5 days in the last three weeks, and his unemployment that he may or may not get is a joke. I've done everything I can think of to save our home, but as we have no way of getting help and the giant joke that is Bofa's mortgage department is dragging their asses on getting our loan mod finished. I guess they want another foreclosure on their hands.

So we have a couple options really. James gets a full time job and we try to scrape by and keep the house - this is the least likely scenerio. I find a part time job and we scrape by and try to keep the house - this is a work in progress. Apparently I'm overqualified for a part-time job at Target, JCPenney, Toys R Us or Ross. I keep looking but as my part time is nights and weekends, there isn't much I can apply for. We can stay in the house and stretch the foreclosure once it begins and hopefully we can stay here until the summer when looking for a rental won't be so hard - this is the most likely to happen. Or we can hand over the keys to the bank once we start to fall behind and by surrendering the house I believe though I need to check that somehow it doesn't F our credit up as badly.

In any case it would appear that my dreams are now dead. I have no more hope to give and my fight is long since gone. I know I brought this on myself for 1) thinking I could have a home, marriage and family and make it all work 2) falling in love with the same type of man that I always do - someone who needs a mother figure to keep them on track. I love him dearly, but the last year of his Fing around has put such a strain on our marriage (and finances) that I don't know if we'll be able to put it back together again after all the housing turmoil is through. Yeah I did say for better or for worse, but I also agreed to a partnership and that is something that hasn't been here for quite awhile. We'll see maybe something will happen to make it all better, but I don't know anymore. I'm so tired and stressed that I just can't think straight anymore. I worry about Xander, the pets, James, where are we going to live, finding creative ways to eat for less and pay the bills and stay on top of everything and still have the energy to do my job and not complain there and be cheery cause I need my job for the benefits and to pay the bills and I have no choices left to me anymore and I feel like a slave to everybody but myself.

This is not me. I used to be the one who cleaned my home and paid all my bills on time (well I still do, I just don't care about doing it anymore) and I used to be so together. Now I'm a shell of my former self just trying to find a reason to pull myself out of bed every morning. I have no more to give to anyone. I've ruined my life and Jamers and as much as I love Xander, we shouldn't have gotten pregnant and had a child. He would've been better off in a financially stable family than he is now. James would've been better off with anybody but me.

All I can seem to think about with clarity is if something were to happen to me James and Xander would have plenty of money to live off. How sad is that - I can do more for my family dead than alive.

Anyways, I must go and search again for a second job to try to prevent the inevitable from happening.

Tags:

Current Mood:
Hopeless Hopeless
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I reviewed Robert Olen Butler's Severance. I quote from my review: "This book has an absolutely lunatic premise. It is said that a decapitated head can remain in a state of consciousness for 90 seconds. In heightened states of emotion or agitation, people can speak at the rate of 160 words per minute. Combine the two and you have the micro stories in this book."

Yeah. It was awesome. Go read my review of it here.

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It's been seven whole years. Thank you for listening to me.

Sunday we went to the All Souls Procession. There were some strange coincidences (a woman littering her Reese's wrappers by us, seeing Logan at a stop light) that gave me goosebumps and made me wonder if they were signs.

Big news! Josh took over the studio, now we are making big changes and running it together. I'm excited.

Photobucket

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She thinks the plate needs to come out. I agree. It can't happen for another ten to eleven weeks though, until my job is finished. She said an infection would not reduce under ice as my swelling always does, that it is the plate irritating the surrounding tissues. Some of us can tolerate plates, some can't. I'm clearly in the latter category.

She suggested some pain meds. I hated my pain meds, so I'm gonna tough it out, but she did note that my blood pressure has been consistently high. My hands sometimes feel puffy. I am now on a diuretic. Some really good cardio would help but I can't see that happening with the leg and the job as they currently stand. I do well to walk after a shift. Maybe that will improve soon? Who knows? So I need to take the diuretic, stop eating crap and salt, and see what things look like in a month. It will probably help the swelling in my foot as well.

Ugh. I think the anxiety contributes to the hbp, but there's little I can do about that now.

So we'll look into getting the plate removed once things settle a bit.

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the last day of work week number 681

passing the pain down the line of generations
July 12, 2006 | At: 6:52 PM | Permalink
bookmark| Tags: uncategorized

Mom Agee
one can not escape their past
posted 07/03/05
Richmond Rescue Mission[ edit | delete ]
posted 05/12/05

He chose the nails[ edit | delete ]
posted 03/05/05

It is now 12:19 PM in the flow of my day off from work. We went out for doughnuts and coffee this morning-then we went to Sam's but before going to Sam's we stopped at the Goodwill store to look at used books-I bought these used books for my book collection "Wilderness" a novel by Robert Penn Warren, "Rabbit Is Rich" a novel by John Updike (I have this novel is paperback-the edition I bought today for a dollar is a hardback in perfect condition with a bookcover) and "Solitude: A Return To The Self" by Anthony Storr a hardback-I have looked at this book but would not buy it new I got this edition for a dollar-I am not into psychotherapy/psychiatry-but I am interested in the subject of solitude. We went to Sam's and then stopped at another Thrift Shop to look at old used books-picked up a paperback titled "From The Closed World To The Infinite Universe" by Alexandre Koyre to quote the back cover of this little book "During the sixteenth and seventeenth centuries a radical change occurred in the patterns and framework of European thought. The root and fruit of this revolution are modern science and modern philosophy. Dr. Koyre interprets this revolution in terms of the change that occurred in man's conception of this universe and of his own place in it and demonstrates the primacy of this change in the development of the modern world."
We went next to another Thrift store but saw nothing-on the way home we stopped at the public library to see if anything was new in their used bookroom-we bought a stack of Lonely Planet books-Spain, U.S.A. Greece, Germany, Canada and Hawaii-Carol likes look at the Lonely Planet books-I wanted the one on Spain because someday when I am retired I want to visit Spain and Mt.Athos. We are now home and I am tired. It is a warm sunny day.
Do not know what I will do today to keep myself awake? I have been reading lately the book "The Christ Of The Prophets" by O. Palmer Robertson.
I should mention last night my brother Michael Williamson's foster parents call I mean Mom Agee called-she was returning a phone call-I called her two months ago to see if she had heard from my brother Mike-I needed to get a hold of him to tell him the good news that our younger brother Robert had found me and we had connected by e-mail and phone calls after not being in contact since he was a baby-he is now I think in his mid-40's (?)-so Mom Agee returned my phone call-she had not been able to call us due to a lot of stuff going on in her family-she came me a cell phone number and an address (my brother Mike works for the Washington Post in Washington D.C.-he is a photojournalist). I plan to send to Robert and my sister Robin the information-maybe Mike will talk to them-I do not know if he wants to talk to me his older brother even though I love him.
I have seen my brother Mike in years-I have not seen Robert since he was a baby-I have not seen my sister Robin since our mother was killed in a car wreck when I was 16 years old in Los Angeles Calif the year was 1968 when we all were left motherless-my mother was divorced when she was taken out of this life and taken into the next life either hell or heaven. When my mother was killed at 36 years old she worked as bar maid-we lived on welfare and tips. I have another sister named Dawnille that I have not seen since was a baby. My mother had been married a couple of times (Michael and me were born out of wedlock-we were misbegotten)-our step-fathers took our sisters Robin and Dawnille after our mother was killed. Mike and I went to live with an Aunt in San Pablo Calif which is in the San Francisco Bay Area (I was born in 1952 in Oakland Calif). Mike and I lived with my Aunt but I left due to all the violence and drunkenness. I lived with a foster family Maria and her son Kim-it did not work out due to my smart mouth-when I was in the 12th grade I lived with another foster family. I graduated from High School-the summer of 1970 the Lord saved me-the foster family did not want to hear me talking about the Lord Jesus all the time since they were agnostics-by that time in my spiritual journey I had joined an American Baptist Church and knew a single fellow named Jim who had an extra bedroom-he let me live with him. I was then attending a local Jr. College-I was a baby Christian. I was involved in the Jesus Movement-I was a Jesus Freak. I was involved in Street Evangelism in Berkeley Calif. I was into speaking tongues and waiting for The Rapture (I was an Arminian and a pre-mill. dispensationalist-charismatic-ONE WAY). I mentioned last month how I went to Mackinac Island Liberal Arts College on Mackinac Island Upper Mich. back when I was in my early 20's.
I have mentioned in the Past I did not go back to Mackinac Island Liberal Arts College after winter break-I was living in a huge Christian commune up in Northern Calif.-I left the commune and sometime I joined the staff of the Richmond Rescue Mission-I was in love with Tykie a woman many years older than me-I was in my early 20's and she was in her 50's-I will not go into that love story because it has been written about before in my journal.
It was while working at the Richmond Rescue Mission I came to see that Arminianism was a false gospel "But even if we, or an angel from heaven, preach any other gospel to you than what we have preached to you, let him be accursed" Gal. 1:8
I left the Mission after five years and in time I found myself a student at Reformed Bible College in Grand Rapids Mich. I met Carol soon afterwards and we were married-we have been married almost 26 years this coming May 2005. The Lord is good.
Here is a Time line that I have posted in the Past
TIME
1970 graduated from High School
1971 Contra Costa Jr. College
1972 Machinac Island Liberal Arts College
1973 Rescue Mission/Tykie
1974 mission
1975 mission/Tykie moves to Ore.
1976 left mission
1977 Sandy (a love affair)
1978 left Calif. for Mich. to attend Reformed Bible College
1979 married Carol Spring May
1980 student
1981 Caleb Jon born/ graduated from RBC
1982 Josiah born
1982 moved to Jackson Miss. to attend Reformed Theological Seminary
1983 student
1984 Bethany born
1985 student
1986 graduated from RTS moved to Houston TX to do my minister internship Covenant PCA
1987 living in Houston Texas/finished my internship (I never got a gospel call)
1988 living in Houston
1989 living in Houston
1990 living in Houston
1991 July moved to Holland Mich. (we moved to Holland because Carol grew up here and her family is here-her mother is a widow-I like this area because I am a book lover-like the four seasons even though I do not like the winter season-I do not like being cold-I do not like snow or ice. I love sunshine and clear blue skies)
1992
1993 started working at the Hamilton Farm Bureau-Egg Division Nov. 1993
1994
1995
1996
1997
1998
1999
2000
2001
2002
2003
2004
2005 March 5, 2005 sitting here in our house writing down life on my day Off listening to Bloc Party-Carol is on the phone talking to Bethany who is a second year student at Calvin College Grand Rapids.
So my day off from work goes by. I have worked at the bottom of the egg pit now 590 weeks.
Well I will close to rest.

music: Tindersticks "Waiting for the Moon"

music: Stuart A. Staples "leaving songs"

7:15 a.m. - 2006-11-25

Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Current Music:
Lucero "1372 Overton Park"
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Lake Michigan
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Current Music:
The Clientele "Bonfires on the Heath"
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It is 4:27 PM Wednesday early evening in the flow of existence. I am down in our basement gathering my thoughts. I had an unusual day today. I spent time with a woman named Michele that is a friend of my brother Mike. We met this morning downtown Holland at Lemonjello's and then went to the Windmill restaurant for breakfast. We ate and talked about our lives for over an hour. We then drove out to Lake Michigan to take pictures. It was a beautiful late Fall day by Lake Michigan. After visiting the Lake we stopped by my house so I could get a lighter jacket to wear. Michele got to meet Rudy in person. We next drove out to VanRaalte Farm for a walk in the woods. It was too wet still to walk so we drove back to Lemonjello's for coffee and more conversation. We said good-bye around 4 o'clock PM and said we would get together again in the near future. I got my brother's Mike e-mail and phone number and plan to either sent an e-mail or call him and tell what a nice woman Michele is.

Now I am down in the basement writing in my blogs before it is gets late.

It is so strange to talk about my Past with someone that knows my brother Mike. I also rarely talk to anyone except my wife. I am a writer and not a talker. But I will talk if you want to talk.

Carol is sleeping and goes back to work tonight. I do not know what I will do this evening? I have been carrying around me today my Bible and a book titled "The Nature of the Atonement: Four Views" Edited by James Beilby and Paul R. Eddy [With Contributions By Gregory A. Boyd, Joel B. Green, Bruce R. Reichenback and Thomas R. Schreiner]. Yesterday I started reading Schreiner's chapter on the Penal Substitution View of the atonement.

I also got this book out to look at yesterday "Recovering The Scandal Of The Cross: Atonement in New Testament and Contemporary Contexts" by Joel B. Green and Mark D. Baker.

Well I suppose I will close to locate my mind. I had a nice time with Michele today. A very bright and lovely woman. I should add that Michele is a photo journalist like my brother Mike.

Michael Wiliamson a staff photographer for the Washington Post (one of my two brothers)
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Michael_Williamson_(photographer)

"May I never boast except in the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ, through which the world has been crucified to me, and I to the world." Gal. 6:14

music: The Clientele "Bonfires on the Heath"

Current Location:
Holland, Mich.
Current Mood:
contemplative contemplative
Current Music:
The Clientele "Bonfires on the Heath"
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  • 18:17 a guy that bryan and i both really liked died at work today. heart attack in the warehouse. totally shitty. #
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Yesterday was a birthday for both Neil Gaiman and Sesame Street. On Facebook it was suggested:

i am just wondering what neil gaiman's sesame street would be like....
twisted....

I can just imagine Oscar The Grouch as realized by Dave McKean, and Snuffy as the terrifying imaginary friend who lurks in the shadows, and then it hit me:

Mr. Croupe
Mr. Vandemar
Mr. Snuffalupagous

Ah.... good times!

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[[ HUDSON LINE RAILROAD. ]]

The front of this notebook features one of my TTV photographs of the autumn view from a MetroNorth train along the Hudson River line.

TTV stands for "through the viewfinder," in this case, that of a vintage, square format camera. This gives the images a retro feel and a variance in focus that isn't common to straightforward digtal photography.

- 6.25" x 6.25" (16 cm x 16 cm)
- 200 pages.
- Bound with turquoise blue waxed Irish linen thread.


[[ kateblack.etsy.com ]]



Hudson Line Railroad
DSCN3639-
Originally uploaded by thekateblack.
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  • 10:03 Good morning! #
  • 10:52 Oatmeal & cinnamon tea. #
  • 13:11 Off to grab some lunch. And then calls with my peeps. #
  • 15:51 Time for an apple break. #
  • 17:39 Just stuck my pen in my glass of water. Thought it was the thing that hold my pens. My brain is on sideways! I need to go for a walk. #
  • 18:37 The Love U Consultant message boards are up! EEEeeeee... we grow and grow. #
  • 19:26 The husband bought me a wax candy mustache. Life is complete. #
  • 20:36 RT @THEKNOTTYMAN: @loveUduckydoo ;-[ ) <-- mustache emoticon. Nice. #
  • 23:30 I can't begin to express the joy Love U is bringing into my life. The people who are stepping up & joining in the mission - are incredible. #
  • 23:31 Get yer Love U here: www.loveuparties.com/ducky #
  • 23:37 Kits were updated today. bit.ly/VCC7w More stuff in each kit. Same price tho! #
  • 23:38 P.S. anyone who already ordered that kit... all that stuff is already in your shipment. Cuz that's how we roll... #
  • 23:44 Nite monkey lovers. #
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  • 08:48:45: My poor wife is coming to sad realizations about her parents. It's disappointing.
  • 10:32:48: I'm taking calls for the whole product right now - team is in training.
  • 11:42:21: Coming up on four hours on the phones. Yikes.
  • 12:26:13: That guy with the long hair. RT @jemiahj: Who among us can name a single non-Michael McDonald Doobie Brother?
  • 16:19:23: Blockbuster nearby having massive sale. MUST. EXERT. WILL.

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Checked my e-mail. Found this:
"LiveJournal to me Nov 9 (1 day ago)

(the following is an anonymous gift)

12 months of paid account time have been added to your LiveJournal account "awdrey_gore".

I have no idea who was kind enough to do this for me. I had gotten a notice to renew my account but had no moolah with which to do it and just figured I would revert to an unpaid account. Whoever paid for my account for me, thank you. So very, very much. :)

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...I am looking into alternative teacher certification programs. Never again will our insurance be dependent on the corporate sector. Am waiting for a rep to get back to me. I have a degree on English and Political Science, but am also looking into what I have to do to get accredited as an ESL (or TESOL, as it is increasingly called) teacher. I wanted to learn Spanish anyway, which is not necessarily a requirement, as far as I can see, but cannot hurt given the ESL population I would encounter in Texas. Also bilingual teachers have an edge, period. No idea if I can learn Spanish by next June but I also have no idea if I can't until I try. One of Henry's interesting Russian friends is hooking me up with the Rosetta Stone for Spanish. I think I would be a very good ESL teacher. I think I would be a very good English literature teacher and social studies teacher, too. If I could be accredited in all three, I think I could find a job pretty easily.

My job is nice. It is hard on me physically but I like my coworkers, think I am doing a decent enough job and like most of my customers. I get lots of comments on my glasses. Old men flirt with me. Homeschoolers in Williamson County come to the store a lot. Evidently other places - meaning other book stores - are not as accommodating of the idea that homeschooling makes these women teachers and they appreciate that we don't hassle them over their discounts. I am shocked by the things I know. A customer came in wanting a copy of something called Corruption by some guy named after a gem, like Ruby. Of course she needed Collapse by Jared Diamond. All of us pull things like that out of our heads. It just depends on if you have the weird book girl (me), the music guru, the comic guy, the literature nerd, the mystery genius, etc. in front of you when you say what you need.

I am far less depressed now that I am working. It's almost amazing.

Henry is crash-learning Drupal. Since Drupal is based on PHP, the learning curve is not so horrible for him. He hopes to convert his site and then build razedbycats.com (raisedbycats.com was taken already and the person holding the site, which has been a sole place card for years, doesn't respond to requests to sell it) in Drupal. Not that razedbycats needs to be built in Drupal but it would give him something to add to his portfolio. There's a Drupal conference this Saturday and Sunday and he's attending. Maybe knowing Drupal will give him an edge in getting a job or freelance work. There are certainly Austin companies who need Drupal developers and cannot find them anywhere. Henry's astonishingly smart. So I have no doubt he will know his Drupal stuff in short order.

He's also helping build a new website/client management system for a local food pantry, The Storehouse. Volunteer work is completely resume-able, but the Storehouse does very good work. So he's meeting people and doing good things.

The Universe gave me a job, defeated the idiot ex-friend in the TWC squabble and has blessed the Kitler Tripod with continued health and vigor. We are still waiting to hear back from our mortgage company but that is because the TWC filing and my new job caused our paperwork to change. Fingers crossed they work with us and decide keeping us in the house at a reduced mortgage for a while is better than foreclosing and selling the house for pennies on the dollar.

We are dark at times and sometimes we quarrel but far, far less than most people in our situation. I think had we given into the depression we would be in North Carolina by Christmas, and in divorce court by June. I don't see either happening. I believe more good things will come our way if we work hard and keep our eyes focused beyond us.

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for those of you who followed my cam and got to know my dog pooka, i just wanted to let you know that a few minutes ago , he died a peaceful death. he was 13 years old.
the fluff monster poofin hoover is an angel now.

i'm just sitting here in shock and feeling shaky.

elaine just told me. she has been his caretaker for the past 2 years.
he died in her arms.

i loved that little guy. what a tender heart.
a gentle being of light.

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